Helvetica's Hotseat, Ep. 1

“Is everything okay?” a male voice asked, through the pitch black.

“It's fine!  Fine!  Shut up, I do the intro!”  a feminine voice responded, sounding curt and nasaly.  Frustration was apparent in her tone, as loud bumps and scrapes filled the speakers.

“Sorry,” the voice replied, as the shuffling continued.  Some muttering followed, a mix of British and American accents.

After a few long moments, the pitch black cut away, revealed a generous view of a fair, white bustline.  “Got it!  Got it!  Totally got it.  And we are live!”  The young woman who owned said bustline sank back down into her seat, in the foreground of the camera's vision.  Some diehard followers of the AFW might recognize the brunette American as Helvetica Lee, self-proclaimed “student of the game,” currently out of action while convalescing an injury.  Wearing a too-tight, lowcut purple sweater and her signature glasses, Helvetica flashed a smirk toward the camera.

Behind her sat two people, packed in amongst the clutter of a cramped, Japanese apartment.  One of them was the white-masked luchador, international veteran of the ring Gato Blanco, wearing a leather jacket over a simple red tee with jeans.  Beside him, wearing a form-fitting blue dress, with a plunging neckline and hip-hugging inseam, was Holly Matheson.  The couple was looking quizzically into the camera, waiting for things to get started.

“Alright, fanboys,” Helvetica said, giving a  wry grin to the camera, “welcome to the first-ever edition of Helvetica's Hotseat: an offshoot of my regular channel, this is where I'm going to use my unique position as a respected member of the AFW locker room to give you people, looking in from the outside, a unique view of what's actually going on in the locker room of the premiere women's and mixed wrestling promotion in the world.  It's my hope that, between my guests and the insightful questions I throw their way, we can give you fans a better appreciation for what goes on between those ropes, and in the locker room.  So, how 'bout we get started?

“Okay.  You two.  For those who don't recognize them- and who could blame you?  Seriously?  I'm joined today in the home studio by Gato Blanco, in the mask, and Holly Matheson, with the boobs.  Newcomers to AFW, but you two seem to be getting some press, already.  How's that experience been?  Being such tiny fish in such a large pond?”

Blanco and Holly exchanged quizzical looks, before looking back to Helvetica and the camera.  Blanco spoke first, “We've been getting a good response from the fans, thanks.  Our first match was a mixed tag against the Akamatsus, a charity fundraiser.  The response we got to that, before and after the match, was incredible.  We really want to thank the fans and our fellow roster members for investing in that one, and helping us raise money for Doctors Without Borders-”

“Super,” Helvetica said, rolling her eyes a bit.  “So, hey, you guys won that one, but you interfered more than a couple of times, Blanco.  Why was that?”

“Excuse me?”

“The match.  Couple times, Kyo had Holly dead to rights.  Seems she was just about to tap out a couple of times, there, before you hopped in there.  You want to talk about that?”

Holly huffed, a bit, chest swelling and deflating as the British bombshell bit her lip.  Blanco leaned forward, trying to cut this line of questioning off.  “We're a team.  We shore each other up, help one another.  Honestly, for a first match, Holly held her own.  Kyo's a very tough competitor, I think a lesser woman wouldn't have lasted long enough for me to make any kind of difference.”

“I see,” Helvetica said, cutting him off rather abruptly.  Looking down to a handful of three-by-five cards, the American shuffled them and cleared her throat.  “That's neat.  So, along those lines, the two of you have been a team since Blanco made his tour through the United Kingdom, right?  Which is where Holly started her training.  Holly, how does it feel, going from being a simple valet- you know, eye candy- to trying to hang with some of the toughest competitors in professional wrestling?”

“I beg your pardon!?” Holly asked, a look of disbelief on her face.

“Well, looking at the numbers, we've got a win for you, when Blanco's there to back you up.  Some wins for him in single competition against a lot of solid competition, and then, well … a whole string of L's, when you step into the ring on your own.”  Helvetica actually put her hand to her forehead, making an 'L' shape with her fingers.  “From getting mauled by King, to basically getting face-humped to defeat by Ryo Kamiya.  Fun match, by the way, super competitive.  A lot of fans are wondering, though, what exactly do you bring to the ring, other than curves that struggle to keep in their ring gear?”

Holly's jaw dropped, as she stared at Helvetica.  “I'll have you know, I-”

“Numbers don't lie, Miss Matheson, just wondering why the fans should consider you anything more than some fun jiggle going into a squash match?  But perhaps I should be asking some other questions?”

Blanco gave a quick look to Holly, then turned back toward the 'student of the game.'  “I really think you should,” he said, with an edge to his voice.

“Okay, great,” the American said, shaking her head.  “So, Gato Blanco, you've had some success, before coming over to Japan, right?  International competition, multimedia appearances, that sort of thing?”

“I have,” the luchador replied, leaning back.  “Been in a couple of music videos, made some media appearances.  It's been kind of fun, keeping on in the tradition of movies like 'Santo vs. the She-Wolves, or 'El Hombre Blanco Contre Los Minotaur,' that kind of thing.  If you'd seen those-”

“Nope, sorry, I only listen to good music,” Helvetica said, going back to her notes.  “So, what's your response to the charge that lucha libre is, and I'm totally quoting someone else here who isn't me, 'flippy-dippy cirque du soleil bullshit,' and that luchadors wouldn't be fit to lace up the boots of a real wrestler?”

Blanco nodded aggressively, running a tongue over his upper lip.  “I'd invite them to watch the match I had with Jaguar Negra, first of all.  And then, if they still wanted to say that to my face, I'd invite them to step into the ring and see what a luchador could really do, first hand.”

Helvetica leaned back, at that.  “Oooh-kay, cool, there you go, other people ...”  she said, looking at the camera before going back to her notes, “Well, going back to Holly, I wanted to ask you about conditioning.  You somehow manage to keep hitting that sweet spot, between being so chubby you can't win a match, and being so curvy that the fans want to see more of that figure, even if it is getting the hell kicked out of it.  Now, looking at your win/loss record, it's clear what you really bring to the table, here.  So, how many times do you get that thick ass of yours kicked in, before you just go ahead and call it quits in Tension?  How many times do you chow down on humble pie before you stop asking for seconds?  Have you considered going to Friction, possibly, or have already you realized that you'd get your ass kicked there, just as badly?”

“Excuse me?”  Holly said.  The Brit was going a bit wide-eyed, now, disbelief at this line of questioning showing clear as day, on her face.

“How far do you see your wrestling career going, is what I'm asking.  Do you see yourself as a future champion, honey?  Really?  And if not, then why are you doing this?”

“I-I ... That is, my career,” Holly stumbled, a bit, before taking a second to compose herself. “I could definitely be a champion.  I've shown that I can get the job done in the ring, and I've only gotten started.  Maybe my Tension matches haven't consistent victories,” she said, chewing her lip self-consciously, “but they've been great matches, that have gotten a lot of support!  And the fans are getting behind me because they've seen how much I care about this.  Wherever I take my talents next, the fans will know that I'm giving it my all!”  Holly crossed her arms under her chest, then, a pout firmly planted on her face.  Next to her, Gato Blanco stretched his neck, shrugged, and turned away from the camera.

“This interview done, Missus?” he asked, his derision clear in his voice.

“Actually,” Helvetica interjected, “I was going to ask about-”

“It's done, Mister,” Holly said, firmly.  The pair of them got up, and began to make their way out of the cramped apartment.

“A-hem,” Helvetica said hurriedly, clearing her throat, “it appears that's all our guests had time for this week, in Helvetica's Hotseat!  Thanks for joining us, fanboys, hope you've all learned something from all this.  Until next time, I am Helvetica Lee, I am the Student of the Game, and I am that damn good, take care!”  As she spoke, Helvetica fumbled with something just off-camera with her good arm, fumbling noisily with some equipment until she finally found the switch to turn the camera off, plunging the screen into darkness.