Someone Tell Me A Story

Pweaaaase

Once upon a time there was a sailor, his named William Taylor. He was full of heart and full of play. He once met a young lady gay, who he was to marry. One his way to the wedding, four and twenty British soldiers met him on the king's highway. Pressed he was, and sent away.

Sailor clothing the lady put on, she went on board a ship as a man of war. Her pretty little fingers, long and slender were smered with pitch and tar. Upon the ship there was a battle. She amongst the rest did fight and the wind blew off her silver buttons breasts were bared all snowy white.

When the captain did discover, says "Young maid, what brought you here ?"

- " Sir, I'm seeking William Taylor. Pressed he was by you last year."

- "If you rise up in the morning. Early at the break of day. There you'll spy young William Taylor, walking with his lady gay."

She rose up early in the morning, early at the break of day. There she spied William Taylor, walking with his lady gay. She procured a pair of pistols which she had at her command. She shot William Taylor and the lady at his right hand.

That's somewhat of a downer.

you didn't specify that you wanted a happy story.

(Stole this from the internet because I am neither funny nor clever)


A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, their doors are all unlocked.

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

*Used this joke in an old thread. I could find others, but a good friend told it to me and it cheered me up at the time *


A woman enters a veterinary clinic with her very ill pet duck in her hands, fearful the duck may pass away. She places the duck on the table and the vet examines him. Once he's finished the vet stands up and says "I'm sorry, your pet is terminally ill, and there's nothing I can do for him."

The woman says "Are you sure? Aren't their more tests you could perform to be certain?"

The veterinarian says "Of course, if you insist." The vet opens a door behind him and a Labrador retriever walks out, hops on the table, sniffs the duck, shakes his head and walks out. Once the dog leaves, a cat comes out of the same door, sniffs the duck, shakes his head, and walks out.

The veterinarian says "I'm sorry, after further testing it's concluded that your pet duck is about to pass way. My condolences, but the fee for the examination will be $900."

The woman says "Why so much money? And what was the deal with the cat and dog?!"

The veterinarian says "Well, it's $300 for my analysis...$300 for the lab work....and $300 for the cat scan."

Here's a good story, I just spent the day taking care of my one remaining family member who due to a back injury is in so much pain she can't really move or talk. Meds knock her out, she wakes up and moans in pain and until next meds go in there's not much you can do but try to make her comfortable.

Of course you do what you need to, but it was really hard and afterward you let it all out, which is what I'm doing now. Just breathing and... stuff.

yeah :/

I've been in that position before. It sucks for everyone involved. You can just do your best and hope what you've done has made things a lil better in spite of the situation.

But, even if you can't tell, or it's hard/impossible to express it, just that little bit, really is a lot.

Yeah... Of course I don't get so much as a grunt out of my uncle, let alone a thank you, I just have to clear out right before he gets home so that we don't cross paths. It's pretty fucked up.